Some days I feel like the weight of the world is upon my shoulders.  Everything that bothers me bothers me all at once.  I know I cant be in a good mood for too long because as sure as the sun will rise the pressure will get to me.  Its kind of welcome in certain sense, because this usually only last one day so I know the next day will be better.  I dont know why I cant just even my problems out so I can take care of them on a daily basis.  Some day I guess I just feel bad about myself for everything.  Im not a depressed person and little things make me happy, but sometimes I just cant get into the swing. 

 

            I wonder if its normal or if Im a little different.  I like to think of myself as different, in good ways and it bad ways.  Im a procrastinator, not good with confrontations, and easily manipulated.  Im sincere, generous, and compassionate.  I appreciate life for many things; the sheer beauty of the outdoors is enough to make me smile sometimes.  The promise of the future and the freedom to go wherever it takes me is inspiring.  Then on certain days, I feel bad about everything I do, I should work harder, go to school, be nicer to my parents, save more money, quit smoking, quit complaining, quit being a jerk to girls, stop drinking so much, take better care of my body.  Then some days I feel like, Im 22 have a good job, Im a good looking guy, people like me, I have a sweet car that I love, many good friends, a great family, and I dont party half as much or half as hard as I used to. 

 

            Sometimes I think Im just lonely, like on Saturday afternoons.  I wash my car because in a way I think I have personified it to be a friend.  It is always there for me, goes everywhere with me, and never lets me down.  It is definitely strange to compare a machine to a human being, but thats why I like it.  Its mine.  No one can take it away and as long as I take care of it, it will always be around, unlike some people in my life.  Its hard for me to let people in sometimes, because I dont want them to go away.  I have never been abandoned or anything, but it seems to me like every time I get close to someone I push them away.  Its maybe a sense of insecurity, although it seems like at the time that I always just think I can do better.  I guess its not a bad thing to want better for myself, but I end up hurting people who really care and usually end up regretting it in the long run. 

 

            Thats the story with this new girl.  Shes nice I guess, but I dont really feel the spark.  I dont feel the way that I did about Kerri.  I dont want to lead her on, but I dont know how to get out of it now.  I guess I will let it run its course.  But its not fair to her to make her think that something will come out of this, because almost definitely nothing will.  As for the other one, well Im not quite sure if it will ever end with her.  Its been about seven years now and I still dont know what to think about her.  Its almost like we try to hurt each other enough so that we will not like each other, but it just doesnt work.  I try the hardest to make the one person go away that upsets me the most when shes gone.  It doesnt make any sense.  Do I only want what I know is bad for me?  I try to think of us together in the long run and it would never work.  I think I would be better off with someone new, someone who doesnt remind me of all the bullshit we have put each other through.  But at the same time, we know everything about each other.  I cant see myself with her, but I guess I just keep looking for someone exactly like her but only with a clean slate.  Is that bad?  Probably.  Its not like I couldnt have her if I wanted her, but whats the point?  So I can make her and myself happy for a couple weeks, and miserable for a month?  No thanks.  I just need to find the right girl, the right girl for me.  I know I havent found that yet.  She is the closest Ive come, but she is not the one. 

 

            Well I feel better about myself now, so Im going to put my happy face on, suck it up, and play it off till this day either gets better or ends.  Tomorrow will be tribunal for the beginning of the day, but will progressively get better as I have plans with my best friend in the world tomorrow for his birthday, and even though its his day, he will be more than willing to let me spill my guts about whatever I want because thats what friends do. 

 

Alone at the beach this weekend may be just what I need.  Alone time is good; you are never alone when you are truly content with yourself.  Over and out. 

 

Ryan T. Dean

06/06/02